Stages Of Grief
by Dagana
Summary: Anger, Fear/Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. How John/Sam/Bobby/Kate deal with Dean's Death. Hunter legacy off-shot! Beta'd By GenGen and re-work post-s4 Premiere. R&R Please Updated 14-Jan-09
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Stages Of Grief

**Title**: The Stages Of Grief

**Author**: Dagana

**Beta**: GenGen

**Summary**: Countdown to Season 4. The stages of our grief; Anger, Fear, Depression, Acceptance... Angst, Fatherly fluff, John/Sam/Kate/Bobby

**Disclaimer**: Playing in Kripke's Sandbox.

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**Author's Note**: Re-work of the Countdown story I posted for the Supernatural Season Four Premiere. Thanks to Gen for the awesome Beta work, Your totally awesome hun and I hope this works better. All other mistakes are mine -

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**Prologue: Death**

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_How do you let someone go?_

_How do you understand that it's alright, and that everything changes?_

_How is that meant to make you feel good about life, instead of breaking your heart?_

_The Hardest thing you'll ever learn is just how to say goodbye..._

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They say that as you die, you see flashes of all that came before.

Faces old and new, some who have passed and some who are left to stay behind and let their lives move forward...

You see some of the decisions you made; some good, some bad, and wonder whether or not your life could have turned out differently if you had just changed one particular moment or made one choice rather than the other- only to find yourself, knowing in your heart that you would make the same decisions all over again...

But then you feel sadness and peace all at once...

Peace at the knowledge that the end is near, but sadness because of the pain you cause by leaving loved ones behind.

The knowledge that they will never be able to see you everyday and share their best and worst experiences with you... Knowing their memory of your face will fade, spurred on only by photographs taken on days barely remembered...

--

The black smoke erupted from the body Ruby had once possessed as Sam made a move toward her. Ruby's knife held aloft, Sam went to make the killing blow against the demon who had stalked his family from the shadows for nearly four months as Dean's time had begun to run out on the deal he had made a year earlier in order to keep his brother and sister alive. Stopping as the smoke shot out of the young girl's screaming mouth, her cold, dead body dropping to the floor limply as the demon, Lilith, left her body after inhabiting it for nearly a month.

Sam Winchester let out a shallow breath, lowering the knife as his mind began to process the fact that Lilith had escaped and Dean was... Dean was...

Dead.

He felt bile begin to rise to the back of his throat, tears stinging his brown eyes as they came to rest on the pale and bloodied form of his older brother. A brother who, up until five minutes ago- it seemed like an eternity- had been alive, protecting Sam... Kate... their father... from what he knew was coming for him over this past year. Dean's last year, after he had sold his soul for the three most important people in his life.

Slowly lowering himself to his knees, Sam could vaguely hear two cars pulling up outside the house and the screams of the demons his sister and her demon 'friend' were quickly overpowering. He could hear his father kick the front door in and start searching for his two sons. But Sam didn't care; he was focused on his brother's motionless body, slowly bringing Dean's increasingly rigid form to his chest. He held Dean's head carefully as if holding a small child as he gazed down at glazed green coloured depths staring unseeing up at him.

"Dean," he whispered, his voice breaking with that one word as John Winchester reached the door. The older man stopped in his tracks at the scene of his younger son crying over the bloodied form of his older brother.

All that had happened over the course of the last thirty-six hours continuously flashed in Sam's mind as his body shook with sobs buried just beneath the surface. He gripped his brother for dear life, afraid to let go. He felt like he might suffocate in the darkness that was slowly overcoming him as the realisation that his brother would not be around to keep him grounded and the loneliness that entailed dawned on him.

Sam's forehead touched Dean's, his brown hair covering his tear-filled eyes from his father's sight. John had unconsciously grabbed the doorframe as shock began to burn through his system like fire.

"Dean..." Sam whispered brokenly as he shut his eyes to the world, time slowing down as minutes felt like forever. The world outside moved just like it always had, people carrying on with their lives as if his family's world had not come crashing down around them and his brother had not just been ripped to shreds by hellhounds, and his soul dragged to hell.

Hearing footsteps, John turned his vacant brown eyes to meet the arrival of his eighteen year old daughter as she paused a few feet away. She didn't need powers to tell her something was wrong, she had begun to feel something was off the moment she had walked in the room.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Kate Winchester slowly edged her way around the dining room table where an old man's body was slumped against the table, and took halting steps into the room ahead of her where John was leaning against the doorframe, Kate's chest felt heavy and constricted as she noticed a familiar boot. Then a familiar pair of ripped jeans- one leg scratched, and ripped to shreds as claw marks stood out in stark contrast against pale and blood covered skin. As her gaze continued to travel upwards, an all too familiar hand adorned with an equally familiar ring she found Sam's tall frame bent over her older brother's broken body.

"Dean..." Her voice sounded hoarse, her hazel eyes losing the light Dean had always nurtured in her since she was one year old as her breath caught in her throat and a sob erupted, but no tears would come, not yet.

Sam heard the softly spoken name and still gripping Dean, turned his eyes to meet his sister's. Anger, hurt and betrayal played across her face as Sam moved aside, allowing her a glimpse of Dean's face. His blankly staring eyes sent her racing out of the room and pushing past Bobby. Outside the building, she retched and heaved the contents of her stomach splayed on the lawn as she slid down against the side of the building and curled up into a tight ball. Her tears finally erupted and sobs racked her body as everything caught up with her. She remembered the last conversation she and Dean had, now understanding its meaning as Bobby came around to her side. He stood over her, pale-faced as he watched his Goddaughter, a girl who looked fragile, but had always been so quietly strong and independent, as she broke down before him.

Sitting on the ground beside the broken girl, the older hunter put an arm around her curled form and pulled her close him. Kate's head fell heavily against Bobby's chest as her hands grappled at his sleeveless jacket, her breath coming in gasps.

Bobby struggled to comfort the younger hunter, who was as dear to him as Dean and Sam were. They were the children he had never had and John was more like a brother than a friend. He buried his face in Kate's loose brown hair, no longer trusting himself to hold back the tears that were threatening to flow.

Bobby gently kissed Kate's hair and rubbed her back as he held her. They clung to each other, each offering support to the other through their grief. Bobby knew John would do the same for Sam, in his own way, as they dealt with the loss of the person who was at the centre of all their worlds.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: The Stages of Grief

**Author**: Dagana

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**Author's Note**: Takes places a few hours after Anger and is Sam and Kate centric… A Little out of sync in terms of the stages but I hope this is okay… Sorry For the delay and thanks as ever, to Gen, my awesome Beta 

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**Chapter Two: Fear (Also known as Denial)**

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Loneliness.

It's something that everyone fears and never wants to experience, especially when it is felt because someone has left us and is never coming back; when someone is dead and you know it's because they were saving you.

You can feel lonely in a room full of people trying in vain to comfort you. Even with loved ones surrounding you, knowing how you feel there is little comfort and in the memories, good times and feelings of home.

Sometimes the hardest part of loneliness is finding your way back to those you've pushed away and reconnecting with those that were left behind with you and realizing you were never really alone at all.

There will always be lonely people in this world for whatever reasons. The truth is, no matter what anyone says- nobody wants to be alone.

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'_Take care of my wheels…'_

He stood before its gleaming black form, his body unwilling to come into close proximity with the car which had been one of the only constant things in his life. That and his big brother.

Sam took a shaky breath as his brown eyes kept their focus on the muscle car. It brought up memories of days on the road with his older brother and younger sister as they searched for their that warm San Francisco afternoon when they had just been themselves- having a water fight after some crack comment Kate had made to Dean.

The car that brought up painful memories now belonged to him. John hadn't said anything about it, while Bobby had looked upon the younger hunter with understanding when he had been unable to near the Impala after they'd driven Dean's battered body to the hunting cabin they were currently staying at. They'd buried Dean the night before, none of them able to bring themselves to salt and burn his remains

In the morning they would leave for South Dakota where the apartment Dean and Kate had lived while Sam was away at Stanford. Once there, they would pack up Dean's meager possessions, leaving no trace of who had lived there or what had become of them to the new tenants.

'_Here, take it…'_

'_No, it's for dad…'_

'_Dean, dad lied to me, I want you to have it…'_

'_Sure?'_

'_Positive…'_

'_Thanks Sam, I-I love it…'_

He felt dead inside. It was as if whatever that had given his life meaning after Jessica had been taken with Dean, leaving only a hole filled with darkness and despair. He felt cold, the colours of the world dimmed by a layer of grief that clung to him like a blanket he could not escape from. Not even the comfort of his family could free him of the constant bitterness and anger he felt toward all those who had played a part in his brother's demise, and toward the demon who now owned his Dean's soul.

'_What am I supposed to do?'_

'_Keep fightin'…'_

What was the point of fighting, when the one person you would have given your life in a heartbeat to save, was dead? He had failed to keep his promise to Dean, failed to save the most important person in his life. Looking back on the moment, and seeing the look in his brothers eyes, Sam now realised that Dean had known his younger brother would be unable to keep his promise no matter how hard he fought and that made Sam feel even worse.

'_Dude, you really need to update your cassette tape collection..'_

'_why?'_

'_Well for one, they're cassette tapes…'_

'_House rules Sammy; Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole…'_

'_You know Sammy is a chubby twelve year old- it's Sam,'_

'_Sorry I can't hear you- the music's too loud…'_

Steeling himself, Sam moved to the car, placing an unconsciously shaky hand on the cool metal hood and gently ran a hand across the shiny surface as he slowly made his way to the drivers side door. It was his brother's side, the side that made Sam's chest tighten as memories flashed before his eyes of the three siblings in the car with Dean at the wheel, Sam riding in shotgun, and Kate in between them in the back seat. Three links which, when brought together, created a bond which no human or demon- not even their father- could break.

_The tapping of the steering wheel…_

_The blaring of the music…_

_The purr of the engine…_

_The Silence…_

_The Laughter…_

That was all gone now and Sam knew that it would not return- not until Dean did- and that scared him the most.

'_I don't wanna die, I don't wanna go to hell…'_

'_We'll find a way to save you…'_

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'_What's this?'_

'_Open it and find out…'_

'_Kay…'_

'_It's made from melted silver bullets- the ones you made the first time daddy showed you how… Happy birthday…'_

Kate was exhausted. She was tired of crying, and she was tired of the constant pounding in her head which never seemed to disappear, even in sleep.

Looking around the small room in which she had been staying in, the youngest Winchester packed her few measly belongings into her rucksack as she made ready for the long drive back to South Dakota, returning to the first place which had truly been home for her and her brothers.

It had been Dean's decision to buy the place after Sam had left. It was close enough to Bobby's if they needed him and it was the place where Kate could be a normal teenager and where Dean could try normalcy and do the things he loved. He worked in a small garage while Kate was in school and hunted the supernatural on the weekends.

It was where they had been a family, even if Dad and Sam hadn't been on speaking terms after Sam had left for Stanford. It was a place Dean had kept even after Kate had moved to San Francisco for college with her friend Bree and Dean was constantly moving around as he hunted full time.

'_Are you sure about this Dee, just giving up travelling around and looking for hunts- Just settling down just so I can go to school?'_

'_I said so didn't I?'_

'_But why can't we just stay with uncle Bobby?'_

'…_If you're goin' to school and I have to find a legal job, we at least need somewhere to call home- a place where Sammy can come back to when he's not at Stanford.'_

'_Dee…'_

'_Yeah?'_

'_You're the best brother in the world'_

'_And don't I know it…_'

Her eyes snapped back to an object in the corner of the room, neatly folded as if waiting for her- she hadn't noticed it there before but she recognised it immediately because of what it had meant to Dean. She couldn't help the tears that formed once more as she stilled- her eyes focusing on the old, worn, leather Jacket that Dean had loved just as much as the Impala.

'_isn't that Dads?'_

'_not anymore.'_

'_huh,'_

'_what?'_

'_I think it suits you- goes with your look..'_

'_what look?'_

'_the look that makes you Dean,_'

Bobby must have put it there, Kate's numb mind thought, knowing that the only thing with Dean in the coffin was the pendant Sam had given to Dean that Christmas long past and the ring Dean always wore on his right hand that now lay folded over his heart.

Her breath caught, and her chest tighten, as she dropped what she'd been holding onto the bed opposite her own, where her rucksack lay. Letting out a shaky breath, she bit her bottom lip as she slid her hands into her back jean pockets. Kate slowly found herself moving to the small dresser to stand in front of the worn item of clothing.

'_You cold?'_

'_A l-little, I g-guess…'_

'_Here, put this on…'_

'_it's yours… aren't you gonna' get cold?'_

'_Nah, you know me, I'm always hot…'_

'_That's not funny…'_

'_Oh, come on… it was a little funny…'_

'_Maybe a little…'_

'_Yeah, and besides it suits you too…'_

'_But it belongs to you…'_

'_And so do you and Sammy…'_

Raising a shaky hand, Kate swallowed the growing lump in her throat as she placed her hand on the weathered leather, curling her fingers around the familiar texture of the material and feeling the slight warmth which radiated from it.

Her other hand soon joined the first, running over the folded jacket, smoothing out any creases. She gently lifted it to her nose, inhaling the faint scent of Dean's aftershave

As she breathed in the aroma that was so inherently Dean with her eyes closed, she could almost imagine him standing beside her once again.

But, her mind reasoned, that was impossible. He had left her and Sam alone. Her big brother, the person meant to be there when she needed him the most and to make sure everything would be okay was gone and now nothing would ever be okay.

Dean was dead, and a part of her had died with him. It scared her to think that one day, her memory of him would fade and she would no longer be able to picture him in this stupid old jacket that he never went anywhere without. It broke her heart.

'_Sammy and I are goin' to the house… but your not coming with us…'_

'_But I can help you with Lilith, I can handle her- let me help.'_

'_You can't help this time squirt, no matter how much you want to…'_

'_Is this because of what dad said, about me not being safe because of some of the things I can do, because he's wrong, Dean-'_

'_No, this isn't about Dad, this is about you being my little sister who has a life and needs to get back to it…'_

'_But you have a life too. What makes mine and Sam's so important that you have to go and face Lilith without me. Why take Sam and not me?'_

_Because you were protecting me_, Kate thought as guilt welled up inside her, _you were protecting me which means you knew what was going to happen and you didn't want to do a damn thing about it. Sam knew, but I didn't._

'_I want you to do something' for me…'_

'_What?'_

'…_When this is done, I need to be there for Sammy. He may not want or need it, but he needs someone who can help him through this…'_

'_Why can't you do it- after all, it's only a simple Demon hunt, and you guys will probably come back in a few hours with relief that Lilith is dead…'_

'_Yeah maybe…_'

_That's why you told me those things to do before you got into the Impala and drove off that one last time, that one last time which can't be the last- not if we have anything to do with it._

'_Dean…'_

'_Yeah?'_

'_I'm sorry…'_

'_For what?'_

'_For everything I said, it's just- you guys are so… you… I just think that you can survive anything…'_

'_There's nothing to be sorry for, squirt. Just… Just be there for Sammy okay?'_

'_yeah, you know I will..'_

'_Yeah I know…_'

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**Author's Note: **Next Chapter is Depression…. Reviews are Muffin 3 and feed my lovely muse…


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